Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings