cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
jesus christ confetti not now
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol