ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
oh my god
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is