unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.