I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
You Might Also Like
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.