Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
this is the best day of my life
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
this is uni
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Cat.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?