Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
scares
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Driving in Europe vs Canada
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*