so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I found your tweet-up…
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”