No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.