came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.