Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
#Caturday
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
your honor my client chooses dare
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.