[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
smh
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!