Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*