Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.