5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
thank god
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.