I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
If looks could kill
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”