You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I have no passwords left in me
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.