Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard