mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
You Might Also Like
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.