Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin