Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Coffee for people with no kids
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
How does one answer this?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Hank is one in a melon.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I gave up going to work for lent.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.