Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.