I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing