“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
reviewed some movies recently
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward