the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.