No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open