[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.