Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
You Might Also Like
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.