date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G