My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave