She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You Might Also Like
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂