Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Admin smashed it 😂
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.