Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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had to make it
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.