ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS