Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth