Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said