Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
You Might Also Like
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.