Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Seems kinda suspicious
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?