Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.