Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Candles never taste the way they smell
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.