This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life