Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch