Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun