me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault