“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power