I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!