the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I know this now 😂
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run