I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right