ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
yeah not falling for this one
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.