I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
You Might Also Like
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The options really are this bad
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.